Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
