I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
