apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
