Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
