Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
