why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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