I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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