friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
