So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
