I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
