So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
