Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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