ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
