you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize