FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
