Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
