I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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