after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
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MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
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We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
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