i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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