My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
