decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize
