apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
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Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
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Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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