If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I checked into jail on foursquare
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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