Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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