I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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