I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
