That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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