so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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