I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
