I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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