But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
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Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
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I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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