I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
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So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
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you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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