Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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