The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
