Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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