**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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