why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
