i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
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My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
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Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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