Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
