he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Just cropdusted the office
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
