Jerry, you need to find god
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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