i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
