Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
