my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
