I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
