You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
