Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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