You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
