FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
