The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
