Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
whose parrot is this?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
