Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
organizing the empties. That sober.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
