I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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