planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
