So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I have grass duct taped all over my body
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
MIDGETS
????
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
