he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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