He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.