Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
We were destined to go to rehab together
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
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