A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT