He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.