Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
The cops high fived after they tackled you