I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
