dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Randomize
