so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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