Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
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Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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