I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I AM VODKA MAN
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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