Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
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do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
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She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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