And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
